In honor of the 1[69]th follower...

Friday, January 29, 2010

In honor of the 1[69]th follower…

“I TOLD YOU 8 HOURS AGO THAT WE WERE FUCKING LOST!” I YELLED AS I THREW MY PACK TO THE GROUND. MY GURL SANDRA DRAGGED ME ON CAMPING TRIP, AND HER INABILITY TO READ A FUCKING MAP RESULTED IN US STUMBLING THROUGH THE UNDERBRUSH. I PULLED A TICK OUT OF MY HAIR AND LOOKED AT HER, “I HOPE A BEAR MAULS YOU.”
“OH COME ON, ERIN_CHUPACABRA! WE AREN’T LOST! THE TRAIL IS AROUND HERE SOMEWHERE!”
“I HOPE YOU TAKE A PISS, GRAB A LEAF TO WIPE YOUR TWAT, AND GET POISON IVY ON YOUR VULVA.”
“NOW, NOW! LET’S NOT GET MEAN. IF WE ARE LOST, WHICH WE AREN’T, WE AREN’T GOING TO FIND THE TRAIL BY WISHING UNCOMFORTABLE RASHES ON ONE ANOTHER.”
I SIGHED. THIS STUPID BITCH IS GOING TO GET ME KILLED. I SAT ON A NEARBY LOG AND TOOK A SWIG OUT OF MY WATER BOTTLE. IT FUCKING FIGURES THAT WHEN I GO CAMPING I GET LOST. NOTHING GOOD WOULD EVER HAPPEN TO ME ON A CAMPING TRIP. OF COURSE I WOULDN’T STUMBLE ACROSS A MCDONALD’S IN THE MIDDLE OF THE WOODS. OF COURSE I WOULDN’T GET RESCUED BY A STRONG SEXY MAN WHO’S READY TO STICK HIS SHAFT IN MY BODY. NO, INSTEAD I’M STUCK WITH MY GURL SANDRA, IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE.
“FUCK! DID I JUST HEAR DELIVERANCE BANJOS?!” I LOOKED AROUND, WAITING FOR BURT REYNOLDS TO COME RUNNING OUT OF THE WOODS WITH NED BEATTY TRAILING BEHIND HIM.
“CALM DOWN! WE AREN’T IN NORTHERN GEORGIA.”
“LOCATION DOESN’T MATTER! THERE ARE HILLBILLIES EVERY WHERE!”
“WELL, WE AREN’T MEN SO EVEN IF THERE ARE SADISTIC REDNECKS HANGING OUT IN THE WOODS PLAYING DUELING BANJOS THEY PROBABLY DON’T WANT US TO SQUEAL FOR THEM .”
“…YOU AREN’T HELPING.” I GLARED AT SANDRA. SHE DESERVED A CUNT PUNT MORE THAN EVER.
“I’M JUST SAYING, IT IS UNLIKELY THAT WE ARE GOING TO GET SODOMIZED. THERE ISN’T ANYONE AROUND FOR MILES. WE COULD GET EATEN BY BEARS THOUGH. BUT THAT WOULD ONLY HAPPEN IF WE WERE LOST. WHICH WE AREN’T.”
“SANDRA, IF WE EVER GET OUT OF HERE, DON’T EVER ASK ME TO GO CAMPING AGAIN.”
“BUT CAMPING IS FUN!”
“YOU ARE A LIAR WHO LIES.”
“FINE THEN. I’LL JUST TAKE OUR GURL EDITH.”
“EDITH IS MY 84 YEAR OLD GRANDMOTHER. YOU AREN’T TAKING HER CAMPING.”
“BUT SHE’S THE ONLY OTHER PERSON I KNOW!”
“STOP CAMPING AND GO GET DRUNK IN A BAR THEN.”
“I TRY TO, BUT EVERY TIME WE GO TO A BAR YOU ALWAYS END UP ABANDONING ME, OR INFLICTING VIOLENCE UPON MY PERSON IN ORDER TO FUCK SOME GUY.”
“YEAH. THAT’S OUR SYSTEM. IT WORKS FOR ME. YOU JUST NEED TO TRY PICKING UP GUYS ON YOUR OWN. YOU AREN’T GOING TO FIND A GOOD DICK GIVER WONDERING AROUND THE WILDERNESS.”
“EXCUSE ME, ARE YOU LADIES LOST?”
I LOOKED UP FROM MY LOG. STANDING ON A BOULDER 20 FEET AWAY WAS A MAN. A GOD OF A MAN. HE LOOKED LIKE THAT ACTOR IN THE SHOW STARRING THAT GUY WITH THE EYES THAT WISH TO RAPE.
I INSTINCTIVELY PUSHED OUT MY CHEST IN ORDER TO BEST SHOW MY LARGE CANS. “COULD YOU PLEASE HELP US, SIR. MY FRIEND WAS DROPPED ON HER CRANIUM AS A CHILD, AND THAT INJURY HAS LEFT HER WITH THE UNBELIEVABLE GIFT TO FUCK EVERYTHING UP.”
THE MOUNTAIN MAN LAUGHED. “WHAT ARE YOUR NAMES?”
“I’M ERIN_CHUPACABRA, AND THAT’S SANDRA.”
“NICE TO MEET BOTH OF YOU. I’M HENRY CAVILL, MOUNTAIN MAN.”
“IS THAT YOUR LEGAL NAME?” SANDRA ASKED. “HENRY CAVILL, MOUNTAIN MAN. DOES IT SAY THAT ON YOUR BIRTH CERTIFICATE?”
“NO. IT ISN’T. I JUST CALL MYSELF THAT FOR SHITS AND GIGGLES. AND BECAUSE IT MAKES LADIES PANTIES DROP.”
IT WAS FUNNY THAT HE SAID THAT, BECAUSE I COULD FEEL MY PANTIES SLIDING DOWN MY LEGS AT THAT MOMENT. HIS VOICE HAD CAUSED MY PUSSY TO FLOOD AS IF A DAM HAD BEEN BROKEN INSIDE MY VAJEEN. I FOUGHT THE URGE TO DIDDLE MYSELF AND LOOKED UP INTO HIS EYES, “PLEASE SIR, WILL YOU HELP US FIND OUR CAMP?”
“OF COURSE! FOLLOW ME.”
I GRABBED MY PACK AND CAUGHT UP TO THE MOUNTAIN MAN. HIS HAIR WAS LONG, AND HE HAD THAT GOOD IDGAF STUBBLE. AS I STARED AT HIS JAWLINE I KNEW THAT I HAD TO HAVE HIS PEENER INSIDE ME.
HE ROUNDED A BEND, AND WALKED THROUGH SOME BUSHES. “HERE’S YOUR CAMP.”
I LOOKED BACK AT WHERE WE CAME FROM. WE HAD BEEN LOST JUST AROUND THE CORNER FROM OUR CAMP. I MADE A MENTAL NOTE TO PUNCH SANDRA IN THE NECK. “HOW DID YOU KNOW WHERE OUT CAMP WAS?” I ASKED MY RUGGED SAVIOR.
“YOU SEE THAT LOG CABIN YOU PUT YOUR TENT NEXT TO? THAT’S WHERE I LIVE.”
SANDRA AND I WERE SILENT FOR A SECOND. SHE WAS THE FIRST TO SPEAK. “WELL THANK YOU FOR SHOWING US BACK. WE REALLY APPRECIATE IT.”
“WELL, I WAS GETTING SICK OF WATCHING YOU TWO WONDER AROUND IN CIRCLES FOR 8 HOURS. IT WASN’T FUNNY ANYMORE, IT WAS JUST SAD.”
SANDRA AND I TURNED OUT EYES TO OUR HIKING BOOTS. “WELL, WE SHOULD PROBABLY TURN IN FOR THE NIGHT, IT’S GETTING DARK.”
“GOOD IDEA. IF YOU LADIES NEED ANYTHING I’LL BE NEXT DOOR.” HENRY SMILED.
“I NEED THE HEAD OF YOUR PENIS TO TICKLE MY THROAT, AND MAKE MY MASCARA RUN.” I MUMBLED.
“WHAT WAS THAT?”
“I SAID, ‘THANKS.’”
HENRY LOOKED AT ME FUNNY, SHRUGGED HIS SHOULDERS, AND TURNED TO GO BACK TO HIS CABIN.
“I THINK HE WANTED TO BONE ME.” SANDRA SAID WHEN HENRY CLOSED THE DOOR TO THE CABIN BEHIND HIM.
“BITCH I’LL FUCKING FIGHT YOU. HIS DICK BELONGS TO ME. I JUST HAVE TO FIGURE OUT A WAY TO GET MY VAGINA INTO HIS CABIN.”
“WHY JUST YOUR VAGINA? SHOULDN’T YOU WANT YOUR ENTIRE BODY TO BE IN THE CABIN?”
“…WHY DO I EVEN DEAL WITH YOU.”
SANDRA SHRUGGED AND BEGAN WALKING TO THE TENT.
“LOOK,” I CALLED AFTER HER, “I’M GOING TO TRY TO BANG THAT MOUNTAIN MAN. YOU GET SOME SLEEP. I’LL SEE YOU IN THE MORNING.”
“YOU CAN’T LEAVE ME OUT HERE IN THE WILD BY MYSELF!”
“WATCH ME. LATER BITCH.”
I ABANDONED SANDRA AND MADE MY WAY TO THE CABIN. I KNOCKED ON THE FRONT DOOR AND WAITED FOR HENRY TO ANSWER.
THE DOOR OPENED AND HENRY GREETED ME WITH HIS SHIRTLESS TORSO. “DO YOU NEED HELP?” HE ASKED.
“YES, AS A MATTER OF FACT I DO. I NEED HELP THINKING OF A WAY I CAN REPAY YOU AFTER YOU RESCUED MY IDIOT FRIEND AND I FROM CERTAIN DEATH.”
“OH IT’S OK! I DON’T NEED ANYTHING IN RETURN FOR THAT.”
“I’M SORRY, BUT MY CONSCIOUS JUST WON’T ALLOW ME NOT TO RETURN THE FAVOR. SO, IS THERE ANYTHING I CAN DO FOR YOU?” I ASKED AS I UNZIPPED MY VEST AND EXPOSED MY PLAID SHROUDED BOOBIES.
HENRY LOOKED AT MY TITS. I SMILED TO MYSELF. HE WAS A TIT MAN. “WELL, I HAVE BEEN IN THE WOODS BY MYSELF FOR A LONG TIME. I HAVEN’T KNOWN THE GENTLE TOUCH OF A WOMAN FOR MONTHS.”
“SAY NO MORE. TAKE YOUR PANTS OFF AND DICK ME.” I PUSHED MY WAY INTO THE CABIN AND REMOVED MY VEST AND FLANNEL SHIRT. I TURNED AROUND AND SIGNALED WITH MY EYES FOR HENRY TO TAKE OFF HIS PANTS. AT THE SIGHT OF MY HEAVING BOSOM, HENRY GOT A WOODY THAT WAS SO TRIUMPHANT IT CAUSED HIS PANTS TO RIP IN HALF. LUCKILY, HE WASN’T WEARING UNDERWEAR.  HENRY WALKED ACROSS THE WOOD FLOOR. HE GRABBED MY WAIST AND SLOWLY STARTED TO UNBUTTON MY PANTS. OUR CHESTS TOUCHED AND MY NIPS SHOT WAVES OF PLEASURE STRAIGHT TO MY ACHING LOVE CANAL.
“PUT YOUR LINCOLN LOG IN MY LOVE SLOT AND PUMP YOUR JUICES INTO ME.” I GROWLED AS HIS FINGERS RUBBED MY CLIT THROUGH MY PANTIES.
“WAS THAT SUPPOSED TO SOUND SEXY?” HENRY ASKED, GIVING ME A QUIZZICAL LOOK.
“DO YOU NOT LIKE MY DIRTY TALK?”
“IT’S OK I GUESS.”
“WHY DON’T YOU SHUT ME UP BY WASHING MY MOUTH OUT WITH YOUR SPERM?”
“I REALLY DON’T KNOW WHAT TO SAY TO THAT.”
“JUST LET ME SUCK YOUR PENIS.”
“SOUNDS GOOD.”
I WRAPPED MY HAND AROUND HIS DICK AND DROPPED TO MY KNEES. I KISSED THE HEAD OF HIS SHLONG AS I WORKED MY HAND UP AND DOWN HIS SHAFT.  ”WOW, YOU REALLY HAVE BEEN IN THE WOODS FOR A WHILE. HAVEN’T BEEN MAINTAINING YOUR PUBIC REGION I SEE.”
“YEAH, JUST KIND OF PART THE HAIR WITH YOUR FINGERS.”
I DID AS HE SAID, REVEALING A WHOLE NEW WING OF HIS JOHNSON. “OH MY GOD. YOUR COCK…I THOUGHT IT WAS BIG BEFORE…I’M PRETTY SURE IF I PLACE THAT IN MY MOUTH I WILL CHOKE TO DEATH. ANAL IS TOTALLY OUT OF THE QUESTION, BY THE WAY.”
“SO YOU AREN’T GOING TO SUCK ON MY PENIS?”
“IT WILL GIVE ME LOCKJAW.”
“WELL SHIT.”
I STOOD BACK UP AND GAVE HIM A KISS.  ”DON’T WORRY BABY. MY PUSSY IS SO STRETCHED AND BLOWN OUT THAT YOUR MASSIVE COCK WILL FIT PERFECTLY.”
“AWESOME!” HENRY AND I HIGH FIVED. “THEN I SHALL STICK MY PENIS IN YOU.”  SUDDENLY, HENRY PICKED ME UP AND CARRIED ME INTO HIS LIVING ROOM AND PLACED ME ON A BEAR SKIN RUG. I LOOKED UP AT HIM. MY EYES SCREAMED “CLICHE!”
“DON’T GIVE ME THAT LOOK! I’M GOING TO PLOW YOU ON THIS BEAR PELT, AND YOU’RE GOING TO LIKE IT.”
REALIZING FIGHTING FOR SEXUAL INTEGRITY WAS FUTILE, I LAID BACK AND SPREAD MY LEGS LIKE THE WHORE I AM. HENRY SITUATED HIMSELF BETWEEN ME, AND SLID IN.
“OH GODDAMN!” HE WAS SO DEEP INSIDE ME.  I’M PRETTY SURE HE WAS BUMPING UP AGAINST ABDOMINAL ORGANS. MY LEGS FELT LIKE THEY WERE GOING TO SHOOT OFF MY BODY, AND I HAD THE FUNNY FEELING THAT I WAS GOING TO BARF.
HENRY THREW MY LEGS OVER HE SHOULDERS AND STARTED PUMPING HIS HIPS LIKE YEAH. AS HIS MASSIVE COCK STRETCHED MY TWAT TO ITS LIMIT, I RUBBED MY TITS AND BIT MY LIP.
“BATTER MY CERVIX WITH YOUR DOOM SHAFT!” I GRINDED MY HIPS AND BEGAN TO MEET HIS THRUSTS. HENRY REMOVED HIS RIGHT HAND FROM MY ANKLE AND BEGAN RUBBING MY CLIT WITH HIS THUMB. “OH FUCK BALLS I AM GOING TO HAVE A FEMALE ORGASM!” I GRABBED CLUMPS OF FUR AND ROAD THE PLEASURE WAVE TO CUMVILLE.
“OH FUCK ME TOO!” HENRY MOANED.
“PULL OUT MOTHERFUCKER! I DON’T WANNA GET PREGNANT! AIM FOR MY TITS…NO..NO..NOT THE HAIR! DON’T CUM IN MY HAIR…OH FUCK YOU MOTHERFUCKER! ALL OVER MY FUCKING HAIR.”
AFTER HE SHOT HIS LOAD HE COLLAPSED ON THE RUG NEXT TO ME. “I’M SORRY ABOUT YOUR HAIR.”
“YOU SHOULD BE, ASSHOLE.”
WE LAID IN SILENCE CATCHING OUR BREATH. A FEW MINUTES PAST AND I HEARD A LOW GROWL SOUND COMING FROM OUTSIDE.
“DO YOU HEAR THAT?!” I WHISPERED.
HENRY LAID STILL AND LISTENED. THE SOUND CAME AGAIN. “THAT SOUNDS LIKE A GRIZZLY.”
“OH…SANDRA’S FUCKED THEN.”